“The greatest gift you can give your children is your own healing,” says Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
Parents who experienced childhood trauma and are now trying to heal while raising kids often find their minds flooded with questions. They ask if they are doing too much or not enough. They wonder if they are harming their child, being too hard or too soft, or spending the right amount of time with them.
They question whether helping is too much or too little. They worry a son who talks about his feelings will be taken advantage of, or a daughter with boundaries will be seen as too bossy. The central goal for many is straightforward: not to do to their children what was done to them.
One parent recalls that was the goal before having a son. The plan was not to have a baby until having healed enough to avoid repeating past trauma. It seemed like it would not be too difficult. There was a determination to never dismiss the child’s feelings, to be emotionally and physically present, and to be compassionate, nurturing, and unconditionally loving no matter what.
That is what children need and deserve. But then the questions and doubt began. The constant second-guessing and a quiet voice asking if you are doing it wrong sets in. This is what the parent calls the “Not Good Enough” feeling. It appears no matter how many loving things are done.
Questions persist about discussing feelings too much, whether to let a child handle friend issues alone, or whether to stay or give space when a child is upset. A parent questions whether to step in with a teacher or let it go, and whether to offer help or wait to be asked. Trying to get it right all the time is exhausting.
Underneath it all, the parent identifies two core fears. The first is about giving too much affection. The parent always asks for permission before giving a hug. Once, when the son was upset about school and declined a hug, the parent asked if he wanted company or space. He asked the parent to just sit there.
Sitting in silence, fighting the urge to fix the situation, the mind became loud with questions about doing enough, doing too much, or getting it wrong. That moment touches something deeper, stemming from a childhood where affection and comfort were not consistently received.
For a long time, that felt normal. The belief began to shift after a childhood sleepover at a friend’s house, where the friend’s mother gave a goodnight hug. It felt safe, warm, and easy. When the child asked their own mother for a similar bedtime hug, it did not go well. The mother became triggered and angry, suggesting the child go live with the other family if that was wanted.
This is not shared to shame the mother, who also did not receive affection or nurturing and likely did not know how to give what she never had. But as a child, the lesson learned was that personal needs were too much. Such beliefs do not disappear in adulthood; they follow people into relationships and parenting.
So now, when the son says no to a hug, it feels like more than a simple preference. It brushes against an old wound, and the “Not Good Enough” feeling gets louder. The second, quieter fear is about pushing a child too much to talk about feelings and setting them up to be seen as weak.
This self-questioning often goes back to childhood. Having had unmet emotional needs, parents now try to ensure their children do not experience the same emptiness. That intention is positive. However, a major problem exists: they were never shown how to do this. It is like trying to reach a destination without a map.
The parent compares it to moving across the country with no directions, GPS, or guide. You would probably get there eventually, but you would take wrong turns, get lost, and feel frustrated along the way. That is what this journey feels like.
Parents know the kind of parents they want to be but lack a clear path to get there. They make mistakes and then criticize themselves for them. In trying so hard to give their kids what they did not have, they start to question if they are overcorrecting.
Something that helps is a shift in perspective. People often think children need more: more activities, opportunities, and things. But the parent has seen children with very little financially whose emotional needs were met, and they were emotionally healthy. Conversely, the parent knows what it is like to have material things but lack the affection, comfort, and nurturing that actually mattered.
Honestly, the parent would have given up many possessions just to feel safe, seen, and loved. That reminder brings focus back to what actually matters: not perfection, but connection. Mistakes are unavoidable. In some ways, parents will get it wrong. What makes the difference is that they are doing things their own parents did not do.
They reflect, question, care, and are willing to change. Working on one’s own healing while raising a child matters more than getting everything right. Likely, they are doing something meaningful their child will carry for life. Maybe they apologize when they mess up, listen instead of dismissing, or try again the next day. These things are not small.
The parent admits to sometimes losing their temper with their son, hearing echoes of how they were raised, and sometimes repeating harmful things heard in childhood. But they also notice it, sometimes right after or even in the moment. That awareness allows for repair, and repair matters more than perfection ever will.
When parents repair with their children, they teach them that mistakes are okay. They teach how to take responsibility, reconnect, and build healthy relationships. This is something many parents were never taught, and it changes everything. So when the self-questioning starts again, it helps to take a step back.
Remember that this is incredibly hard work. It involves parenting in a way you were never parented, learning as you go, and choosing something different. That matters more than doing it perfectly ever could. You deserve compassion. You always did. And now, you get to give some of that compassion to yourself.
Discussions on breaking cycles of trauma and practicing mindful parenting continue to gain attention. Experts emphasize that the process of healing and conscious parenting, while challenging, can have profound effects on family dynamics and child development. The focus is increasingly on emotional connection and repair rather than on achieving an unrealistic ideal of perfection.
