A personal essay explores the idea of a “cult of people,” describing the unspoken social agreements that many individuals follow in exchange for belonging.
The author describes a scene from the Hulu show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, where a young woman argues with her mother over rules about behavior. The daughter is avoiding church and trying to keep her freedom without losing her family. This moment prompted the author to reflect on the struggle between being true to oneself and belonging to a group.
The author argues that connection to a group often comes with a price. People follow rules and hide parts of themselves to earn their place. This is described as a transaction, an unspoken loyalty contract that many people sign before they are old enough to understand it.
The author states they were in this “cult of people” for 43 years. This is not a religious cult with a leader or a compound. Instead, it is the constant pressure of other people’s needs, opinions, and expectations. It involves seeking external validation and organizing one’s inner life around what others can tolerate.
Nearly seven years ago, the author started leaving this cult. This process began unintentionally, as a result of the pandemic, raising a child with special needs, and therapy. The author began to see how much they had been contorting themselves to stay connected to people.
The deprogramming process involved tears, loneliness, anxiety, and heartbreak. The author’s circle of people became smaller. The author describes this period as difficult, but not wasted.
Deprogramming requires distance from the group that demanded self-betrayal. When creating distance, the author says it looks like something is wrong. The person becomes quieter and stops performing. Their circle shrinks, and others may take it personally because the cult needs participation to survive.
The author notes that leaving the cult does not feel like freedom at first. It feels like loss and loneliness. However, underneath that, a quieter self grows. This is described as a both/and experience: breaking down and breaking through at the same time.
The author acknowledges they are not fully deprogrammed. They still feel lonely and the pull to earn their way back. But they are more comfortable with sadness and have learned to sit with themselves. The aloneness that felt like abandonment is now seen as an open road. The author concludes that when you stop organizing your life around what the group can tolerate, you find out what you actually want and who you actually are.
