One of the strongest desires in life is to feel understood. People want others to see their good intentions, recognize the thoughts and struggles behind their choices, and empathize with their situation. This desire for understanding is rooted in a need for validation. As social creatures, people thrive when they feel a sense of belonging, which requires feeling valued and accepted.
In one relationship, a person never felt understood or validated. The other person often assumed the worst, interpreting actions through a lens of selfishness and weakness. They belittled beliefs and opinions, making fun of attempts to share thoughts and feelings. This behavior minimized the person’s perspective and value, leading to deep hurt.
The pain of feeling misunderstood often turns into anger. The person fought, screamed, and cried, trying to force the other to see their basic goodness. They tried to impose their will to be valued and heard, causing themselves more pain. The belief that people should try to understand and treat each other with respect clashed with reality.
The lesson learned was that expecting things to be a certain way is a trap. Things will never be exactly as they should be, and resisting this causes pain. A more empowering approach is to be the person you wish others to be. In this case, that meant understanding the person who would not or could not understand.
For some people, separation feels safer than closeness. When someone seems unwilling to embrace understanding, it may be because they are unable to let others in. Digging into the past of this person revealed unresolved traumas, deep feelings of shame, and a need to appear strong and impenetrable. When someone is impenetrable, not much can get in, including new ideas or attempts at deep connection.
The pain of rarely understanding anyone because letting someone into your heart hurts is significant. Living life guarded, scared, and constantly hiding is a difficult existence. When someone makes no effort to understand, it often comes down to deep pain blocking them from love. They might be shut down to everyone, or specific ideas trigger something from their past. The person themselves might be the trigger, reminding the other of something they want to forget.
An article about contentious relationships between women and their mothers-in-law used an example of a mother-in-law who complained about a couch. The author noted that the mother-in-law might have been raped on a similar couch. This illustrated that everyone has secret pains that manifest in hurtful behaviors. The person acknowledged having shut people out because they triggered painful feelings. Understanding this shows how pain can bring out the worst in people.
This does not justify disrespect or mistreatment. But if the goal is understanding, the key may be to choose understanding. Broadening perspective beyond what would make one feel safe can help create a greater sense of safety for everyone. By offering understanding, it is possible to influence others to heal their pains and open their hearts when they are ready.
The best thing to say to someone who does not understand you is, “I understand that you can’t understand.” This means accepting the other person where they are, even without knowing what drives them. There is always some explanation, a complex web of past events and psychological factors, that makes them who they are.
This is not easy. It often requires creating boundaries, such as avoiding specific conversations or creating physical distance in the relationship. It requires pausing and connecting with deepest intentions before reacting impulsively or in anger. It also requires mourning and letting go of the relationship you hoped to have, knowing you are offering compassion that may never be returned.
Taking the higher road is less painful for everyone involved. When you choose to be the change you wish to see, it becomes less important that everyone else sees you or understands your good intentions. You know you are coming from a place of love, kindness, and integrity. This is a strong foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people who are not ready or able to love.
