In November 2021, a woman with autoimmune issues experienced a flare-up. Her doctor was unsure whether rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia was the cause, or if both conditions were acting together. The achiness and severe fatigue were clear signs that something was more active than usual.
She woke up tired, needed naps, and often ran out of spoons—a term familiar to many with chronic conditions, based on the essay “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino. While the exact reason was unknown, one thing was certain: her body was demanding rest.
Knowing that rest was needed did not make it easy to actually rest. She would sit down to watch a show and try to multitask. She would put off naps like a stubborn child, trying to “push through” to finish an email or move laundry. Even with a body and brain crying out for rest, allowing herself to do it was difficult. She had to reparent herself, enforcing stopping times and rest periods.
In the Western world, especially in the United States, people are programmed to be productive. Society tells people they “should” be busy. Work in all forms, from job tasks to errands to chores, is what people are “supposed” to do. From a young age, people are conditioned to be productive and stay busy. They hear phrases like “I’ll rest when I’m dead” and “no rest for the weary.” They are told to “pay their dues” and “put in the work.”
Even without overt messaging, most people receive these messages indirectly by watching others. They watch parents come home from work with groceries, fix dinner while putting things away, or feel wrong if they answer “nothing” when asked what they are doing. After dinner, parents do additional work, both paid and unpaid, or knit, iron, or putter around. People are told they have to “work hard” to succeed, that “nothing good comes easy,” and that they should not stop when tired, but only when “done.”
Sitting down and resting is not prioritized. People who decide to rest often have to justify it, as if they must earn the right to rest. Rest does not only mean sleep, although sleep is a large part of it. It also includes sitting comfortably doing not much of anything. It could mean listening to music, watching TV, meditating, working on a jigsaw puzzle, crafting, reading, playing solitaire, looking out the window, or journaling.
In the fall, as she struggled with her autoimmune flare, she realized she should rest more. She was so used to overriding her body’s signals that she did not realize how far she had pushed herself. When she checked how her mind and body truly felt, she was shocked to find they were almost buckling, on the edge of collapse. She had waited until she was unable to do many tasks at all. A good day during that time might have involved doing a single load of laundry or cooking dinner.
She was so fixated on staying busy that she could no longer honestly assess her need for busyness. She had lost the ability to tune into her body to find out if it needed to move, stretch, or sleep. Had she continued to push ahead for much longer, she is certain she would have fallen ill. As it was, she dealt with brain fog, fatigue, and joint and muscle pain, all of which made life unpleasant.
She cleared her calendar for at least three weeks. She cleared her work calendar of appointments, scheduled brief blog posts and emails, and took time off. It was torture at first. Her husband was still getting up and going to teach tai chi and qigong classes, modeling “proper” work behavior. She discovered she was incapable of “just resting.” She had to relearn how to listen to her body to discover what it needed. She also had to reprogram her thoughts about rest as an inherent right, not a reward for productivity.
She did all the forms of rest, from naps to puzzles to sitting quietly. It was ridiculously difficult. She had to almost force herself to limit herself to single-tasking, doing one task at a time. That was especially hard if the task was mechanically simple, like watching a television show. Her inner monologue would chastise her for “just sitting there,” urging her to “be productive.” When she decided that rest meant watching a movie, she sometimes sat on her hands to make sure she did not pick up her phone or a crossword puzzle. She often put her phone on silent and left it in another room to reduce temptation.
Even with taking steps to single-task, she did not always manage. She learned through reinforcement that there was nothing likely to arise in an hour or two that required her to give up resting and take immediate action. She realized she was retraining her nervous system to allow itself to relax. It was so used to being alert that resting and allowing it time off took getting used to.
When she started to budget rest into her days, she could tell more easily what signals her body was sending. It became easier to check in with her brain and body to find out how they were feeling and what they needed. She has never felt more integrated than she does now. At any given moment, she can pause, tap into what she is feeling mentally and physically, and act on her own needs in ways that are more nurturing than before. When she realizes she is losing focus on a project, she no longer pushes through. She pauses and checks in with her brain and body. She can quickly figure out whether she needs a simple break, to walk around, to take a walk outdoors, or to stop for the day.
She is learning to embrace the idea that rest is an inherent right, not something that needs to be earned. It is no longer something that occurs only after pushing herself to the point of collapse. The more she leans into rest and builds it into her days, the more energy she has to accomplish the things she wants to get done in life. When she adds time off or breaks during the day, she has better focus when working on a task. When she includes rest in her days, she has the energy to exercise in the morning and make a good meal for dinner.
